Threshold aggregation reporting systems promise a practical, privacy-preserving solution for developers to learn how their applications are used in-the-wild. Unfortunately, proposed systems to date prove impractical for wide scale adoption, suffering from a combination of requiring: i) prohibitive trust assumptions; ii) high computation costs; or iii) massive user bases. As a result, adoption of truly-private approaches has been limited to only a small number of enormous (and enormously costly) projects.