In recent years, online anonymity has become increasingly important but is under threat due to the challenges of moderating anonymous spaces. A promising cryptographic solution, known as anonymous blocklisting, allows users to post anonymously while still enabling moderation. Moderation via anonymous blocklisting roughly works by requiring that when users post a message they attach a cryptographic proof that they did not author any posts on a “blocklist”. Existing anonymous blocklisting schemes are unfortunately still far from achieving practical performance for large block-lists. This is essentially due to all prior works requiring a user to (cryptographically) reprocess blocklist entries many times. Relatedly, prior works have relatively high verification times and proof sizes. In this work, we introduce ALPACA, the first anonymous blocklisting system with the property that a user only needs to do a constant amount of work per blocklist entry. Thus, our scheme has asymptotically optimal performance. Our scheme is also the first to have verification times and proof sizes that are independent of the number of blocklist entries. Our key technique is a new variant of incrementally verifiable computation (IVC), designed to ensure anonymity. Along the way, we introduce new definitions to formally establish security. On a mid-range laptop, ALPACA's proof generation time is always 6.15 seconds and proof size is 25.6KBs. On a server, the verification time is always 400ms.